Wandering Adventurer

February 5, 2013

Another very difficult day…but it definitely looked better. I got to spend the majority of my night with my Hall Council students! :) I started the night with dinner with my Executive Board, which is an exciting group of students who are enjoyable and passionate about what they do! :) And then, time with the rest of the Hall Council students - which always puts a smile on my face! :D 

February 4, 2013

Very very rough start to my week -_- Another reminder of what I need to do to take care of myself…

February 3, 2013

Sunday is usually a very quiet day for me - a day filled with catching up on some much needed work :) 

February 2, 2013

Definitely had a rough night of emotions last night…mixed with wine, which is never a great experience, haha!! Sometimes I struggle with my emotions…sometimes I struggle keeping a firm hold of them. Sometimes they really don’t want to cooperate with me and sometimes they want to bring me back to my dark place. 

Depression. Anxiety. Panic. OCD. 

Are all words that I’ve hated and appreciated in my life. They are words that have described my life and a lot of the way that I interact with people and my environment. They have also described my lowest lows and my highest highs. They are also words that I have tried to run from and escape. For years, I denied that anything was ever wrong with me. I just thought that I was little off, but other than that, I was fine. And why shouldn’t I be fine? I had a loving family. I was never in want - even when my family was. I was smart. I had friends. I lived a relatively good life. 

I started listening to this musical partially thanks to my new celebrity crush, Aaron Tveit. I realized that this musical was so much more, so I started doing more research and listening to the soundtrack more and more. It amazes me how much a musical can touch on the issues that I have dealt with all my life. It really is amazing. It’s actually quite humbling really…and it encourages me to continue to wrestle with these words, in order to truly find their meaning in my life. 

“Day after day, 
Give me clouds and rain and gray.
Give me pain, if that’s what’s real.
It’s the price we pay to feel” - Light (Next to Normal)

These are words that I never thought I’d want to say, but sometimes it’s true…I want to feel all of it. I want to feel the happiness, laughter, warmth and joy - but I also want to feel the sadness, anger, pain and defeat. These latter feelings give so much more meaning and volume for the first few…and how can you truly appreciate happiness when you avoid the feelings of sadness? How can you truly appreciate what it means to feel genuine joy in your life when you avoid genuine pain?

So - clearly, I’m working on myself. Working on cutting myself a break. Working on extending grace to myself. Working on loving myself - for all of me and not just the shiny parts. That’s what my #oneword2013 is all about - finding my center and never forgetting that. That sense of centeredness is what can get me through my lows and what can keep me balanced through my highs. 

If you haven’t listened to this musical - go do it…NOW! It’s truly incredible and it really touches you. New goal: see this show :) 

February 1, 2013

You know - given the choice between going out or staying at home…90% of the time, I would choose staying home. Haha! It really has nothing to do with not wanting to be around people. Despite being an introvert, if I’m around people that I really care about and genuinely enjoy being around, I don’t mind it at all. However…in order to wind down…the thought of being around other people does not help me to relax AT ALL. 

This is how I have felt for a really long time - while a lot of people I know like to go out and socialize to wind down after a long work week…I like to do the exact opposite. Come home, change into some comfy clothes, pop in a movie or read a good book. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely days where I like to be as social as the next person and get out there into the world. But, after a truly trying week - the idea of coming home to a chill bottle of Mead and a movie is exactly what the doctor ordered. 

This has been an especially trying week - a lot of things from my past have been brought up through the things that happen at my job. I guess that’s what happens when you work with a population that is so close to my heart. College was a really hard time for me…I didn’t really come into my own until senior year, because I didn’t let myself acknowledge all of who I was my first three years. And to see some of that happening to some of my students really does break my heart because I need to let them discover that for themselves. 

But, all in all, I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling so invested in my work that it hurts me to see my students hurt. It means that I not only care…but I am truly engaging in a partnership with my students. A partnership for their education. A partnership for their personal development. An investment in their future - as cliche, as that sounds. I love my job. I love working with college students. I could not have asked for a better profession or a better job.

Which is why I’m ok with feeling so emotionally and physically drained at the end of the week. To me, it does show that I have worked hard. I have cared hard. I have fought hard for my students. And now, it’s time to take care of me. To rest my spirit. To let my heart feel what I need to feel now. Whether that’s to cry or to laugh or to get angry…I need to let me feel what I need to feel, in order to feel strong enough again for Monday.

 Which is why my picture of the day is a picture of me - as egocentric and super “Myspace-y” as it may look. I don’t have many days where I think that I look in anyway attractive or well put together. I’m not one that spends a whole lot of time in the morning on my appearance. I think about what I want to wear the night before, so I don’t have to think about it in the morning. I take a shower and throw product in my hair. And then I’m out. I usually don’t have a make-up regiment. Really nothing. But lately, I’ve been asking myself to pause in the morning…to really look at myself in the mirror. To not only appreciate who I am, but to learn to accentuate who I am to the world. Which is why I liked this random picture that I took of myself today. I was originally using the camera on my phone as a mirror to check my contacts - but then realized that I did like the way I looked today. My hair looked good. My make-up was simple and very natural. My look was simple and very me. I felt good about myself today - which doesn’t happen too often, let me tell you that. 

So - would I like to be out with people karaoking and having fun? Sure! But tonight? I am going to stay in with a chill glass of Mead and give myself permission to enjoy a “me-night”. 

January 31, 2013

Definitely a very, very long day that ended on a fairly low note. A lot of old emotions got brought up and self-doubt started to cloud my mind. Doubt that the things in my past would make me less…that they would somehow always define me. It scares me…so much…to be defined by this black cloud that seems to keep following me. I don’t want this to be the only thing that defines me…I don’t want this to be who I am. 

I know it’s not. I know I’m so much more than my struggles. I’m my recovery. I’m who I am today. Yes - a part of me will be that sad girl who struggled so much. But…who I really am? I am the woman that I am - the woman who has come out stronger on the other side. 

Despite this, it was a very difficult day. Still working on coming down from the high of my  anxiety that was my day. That is another part of me becoming me - being honest when a day is really hard and admitting when I am not feeling super great from said hard day. 

But, I’m super thankful for an ARD like Savanah who is willing to be silly with me by taking silly pictures and make an even sillier lip sync video for another RD/ARD pair on campus :) 

January 30, 2013

Wednesdays are typically a chill day for me - even when the business of AI meetings, I still had what felt like a fairly chill day. Wednesdays are always the days where I spoil myself and ACTUALLY go home at 5PM after work. 

I come home and get comfortable. I realize that I stay in my work clothes way too long after I come home…I think it’s to ease the anxiety of potentially needing to leave my apartment to deal with something that gets to me. But on Wednesdays, I come home and make a quick change for my sweats. I then ACTUALLY cook myself a yummy dinner. Over the past 7 years - my body has become way too accustomed to dining hall food, that it’s nice to actually come home and eat something that I’ve created for myself. Always a nice surprise for my body. And then…I just sit. 

I’m realizing that I am slowly starting to lose what makes me happy and trying to remember that in order to be happy with my job, I need to be happy myself. A part of this means coming home one night and not doing anything work related. Trying to not worry about my next day and trying to do things that make me happy. Catch up on my shows. Read a good book. Craft something. Write a letter/card to someone. Talk on the phone with an old friend. Snack. These are the things that relax me…and remind me that I need to stop every once in a while and breathe. 

I’m getting more and more used to coming home to an empty apartment. I’m getting used to feel at home by myself and re-learning to enjoy my own company. It’s not bad sometimes…especially after a very long day of being around other people, it really isn’t that bad. Though, I don’t want to get too used to it…but for now, it’s really not that bad. 

So…what did I do today? I came home between 5-5:30PM. I changed into my sweats and a comfy t-shirt. I made a dinner of a grilled chicken breast, loaded mashed potatoes & steamed broccoli, w/ a tall glass of water. Snacked on whole wheat Ritz crackers w/ Nutella and a yummy Dr. Pepper (maybe some Smokies, as well…I know, odd…). Caught up on “New Girl” (whoaaa Nick and Jess…FINALLY!!!). Caught up on my ARD’s day over the phone. Watched the most recent SNL hosted by my love, Adam Levine. Did my dishes. 

All in all, a relaxing evening - hopefully enough to rejuvenate me to get to the end of the week! :) 

January 29, 2013

I joined two committees today outside of my RD role!!!! :) 

Recently, I was e-mailed about joining the Women of Color Empowerment Dinner Planning Committee and I was overjoyed to get this e-mail! I don’t know the specifics of the committee, but I love the idea of coming together as women of color to work towards empowerment of all women of color. While this isn’t always the focus of my passion and attention, being a woman of color - this is definitely something that I think about on a regular basis. I’m so looking forward to moving forward with this committee!! 

I was also asked today if I wanted to join the TEDxWWU Planning Committee today!!! My heart, literally, overflowed with joy as I was so excited to share my experiences from TEDxClemsonU with my colleagues and students here at WWU. I have a deep love for the TED movement and my TEDxClemsonU was not only a life-changing experience, but it was also an incredibly affirming experience for me. 

So so thankful for these exciting professional opportunities that are ahead of me and I am so excited to share some of my experiences and to be able to grow myself professionally :) So thankful!!! 

January 27, 2013

Visited a new church today with one of my RAs (Elisabeth) and my ARD (Savanah). This has been something that I’ve really been struggling with for a little bit - reigniting my faith. Since I’ve moved to Bellingham, I have now visited 3 churches in order to find me a nice church home.

The first one was a little bit too traditional for me and felt that there wasn’t a community that was fit for me. I am looking to find a church where I can come together, figure out life and have fellowship with people who are in similar places as myself. The second one was great - it really was - but, it was definitely a WWU student heavy church. This isn’t a bad thing, but I also don’t think that there was a community that I was looking for. 

So, this past Sunday, I checked out My Church with Elisabeth and Savanah. I listened to a sermon from My Church a couple weeks back to see what they were all about and I loved it. I had such a moving 40ish minutes in my own apartment and it really caused me to take pause in my life. So, I was really looking forward to visiting - and I definitely felt really good about it. It was small, more contemporary and the people that were there were so opening and welcoming…I loved it. I am definitely thinking of going back to see if this is really the place that I want to make it my church home :) 

I’m really looking forward to getting myself a bit more on track with my spiritual life :) 

January 26, 2013

A successfully relaxing Saturday was had! :) I was planning on heading back to downtown B’Ham to continue to explore my new city, but with the encouragement of the calming rain and a messy apt - I stayed home to get some much needed chores done. Learning to find some balance in my life where I get to find enjoyment in both my professional and personal life. And since I have found so much joy in my professional life - I am striving and working towards finding true joy in my personal life. Things like staying home for a day just to be home is me taking one more step to finding this joy :)